In this BNI Education Slot, Darren Jamieson addresses a challenging and often controversial topic within business networking: whether it is ever acceptable to refuse to refer someone in BNI.

https://youtu.be/-f0UMHwcPaM

The discussion begins with a real scenario from a BNI chapter, where a member declined to introduce someone to a contact they knew. This sparked a broader conversation around whether withholding referrals goes against the core BNI principle of Givers Gain.

Darren argues that while referrals are central to BNI, they should not be given without thought. He explains that there are clear circumstances where passing a referral may actually be irresponsible.

The first scenario Darren explores involves reputation. He shares a personal experience where he referred a trusted tradesperson to a potential client. Although the individual initially appeared professional, they failed to follow up with a quote and eventually stopped responding altogether. As a result, the client lost confidence, not only in the tradesperson, but also in Darren, who had made the introduction.

This experience reinforced an important lesson: when you refer someone, your reputation is on the line. If they fail to deliver, it reflects directly on you. Darren explains that this is a valid reason to stop referring someone who has proven unreliable or unprofessional.

The second scenario focuses on reciprocity. Darren describes repeatedly referring business to someone over several years, generating tens of thousands of pounds in work for them. Despite this, that individual never returned a single referral and actively promoted competitors instead.

While Givers Gain encourages generosity without expectation, Darren makes the point that continuing to help someone who actively chooses not to support you – especially when they are able to – is not sustainable. In this case, he chose to stop referring them and instead support someone who demonstrated mutual commitment.

Darren concludes by reminding viewers that just because you can refer someone, doesn’t mean you should. Referrals should be intentional, responsible and aligned with trust and integrity, not automatic.

Full Transcript

(00:13)

When is it okay to not refer somebody? This is a conversation that cropped up in my BNI chapter recently. A member had asked for a specific referral — an introduction to someone they wanted to meet. Another member didn’t know that person directly, but reached out to someone else and asked if they could make the introduction. That person said no.

(00:38)
They refused, and it sparked a whole discussion about whether withholding referrals goes against the philosophy of Givers Gain.

I think there are two very clear reasons where you should seriously consider whether you want to pass a referral. I know some people will find that shocking. BNI is about referrals — but that doesn’t mean you should always refer.

(01:32)
The first instance happened to me many years ago. I was speaking to a potential client who ran a high-end glamping site. During the conversation, they mentioned needing maintenance work done — doors rehung, woodwork repaired.

I saw it as a perfect opportunity to recommend a joiner from BNI. I passed the referral, confident they’d do a good job.

(03:08)
Weeks later, I followed up. The joiner had visited, measured up — and then disappeared. No quote. No follow-up.

I spoke to him at the next BNI meeting. He assured me he’d get back to them. He never did.

(04:22)
The client was understandably annoyed — not just with him, but with me. I’d recommended someone who let her down. She found someone else to do the work, and we never got the business.

When you refer someone, it’s your reputation on the line. If they let you down, you fall with them.

(05:23)
The second instance is when you repeatedly give referrals to someone who never gives anything back.

I’ve personally given tens of thousands of pounds worth of work to someone over many years. They’ve never referred us once. In fact, they actively promote competitors.

(07:23)
At that point, why should you continue helping build their business? We stopped referring them and chose to support someone who wanted to help us in return.

(07:41)
Just because you can refer someone doesn’t mean you should.

And I’m reminded of a quote from Jurassic Park: “You were so preoccupied with whether you could, you didn’t stop to think if you should.”

(08:04)
I’d love to hear your thoughts. When do you think it’s okay to withhold a referral? Let me know in the comments below.