In a recent BNI education slot, Kieran Toner delivered a lively and insightful talk on how to get the most out of one-to-one (1-2-1) meetings—a core activity for building stronger business relationships and ultimately generating more referrals.

Using humor and a relatable story, Kieran shed light on a common but often unspoken problem: many 1-2-1s are unstructured, one-sided, and, frankly, a bit of a waste of time. But they don’t have to be. With a bit of preparation and a focus on mutual benefit, these meetings can be incredibly powerful.

The Power of the 1-2-1

Kieran opened by painting a familiar picture: a 1-2-1 that goes on for nearly an hour, one person (let’s say “Kieran”) doing most of the talking, the other (Zoe) barely getting a word in—and both rushing off to their next meeting with a polite “thanks, that was great.”

“Can everyone relate to that hypothetical scenario where Zoe doesn’t say much?”

It’s a common experience. But, as Kieran emphasized, 1-2-1s are not meant to be casual chats. They are business meetings, and should be treated as such.

“If I’m going to give up an hour of my time in the middle of a business day, then it should absolutely have an outcome.”

Understanding the Dynamics

One of the challenges with 1-2-1s is that every BNI member comes from a different background. Some are brand new to networking, others are seasoned professionals. Some are running large teams, others are solopreneurs. And then there’s the variety in personality: introverts, extroverts, people who like to lead, and people who prefer to listen.

This diversity is a strength—but it also means we can’t take for granted that everyone will show up to a 1-2-1 with the same expectations or approach.

The Lopsided 1-2-1

Kieran shared a story—clearly drawn from personal experience—about a meeting where he was so enthusiastic about sharing his business updates, challenges, and ideal referrals, that he didn’t realize until 40 minutes in that Zoe had barely spoken. And when he finally asked about her goals, he couldn’t help but respond with more anecdotes from his own life.

“I spent another six or seven minutes blabbering on about my experience of that situation… thinking, ‘This is great—I’m showing Zoe I understand!’”

The punchline? The hour is up, Zoe’s rushing to another meeting, and Kieran leaves thinking, “What a brilliant 1-2-1!” But from Zoe’s point of view? Not so much.

“She might have been sat there thinking, ‘I’ve got a couple of great referrals for him… but do I really want to pass them on now?’”

Mutual Benefit = Stronger Referrals

Kieran’s message is clear: if your 1-2-1 feels like “The Kieran Show,” it’s not an effective one. Referrals are built on trust, and trust is built through genuine, two-way connection.

“One of the big things in building rapport is getting other people talking… Ask open-ended questions and get the other person talking about themselves.”

If someone leaves a 1-2-1 feeling neglected or unheard, they’re unlikely to feel motivated to help you grow your business.

Simple Fixes for More Effective 1-2-1s

So how can we make our 1-2-1s more productive and balanced? Kieran offered a few simple but powerful tips:

1. Treat it like a real business meeting

Come prepared. Confirm the meeting in advance. Set an agenda. Show up on time.

2. Time-block each section

One easy method? Divide the hour into three chunks:

First 20 minutes: One person shares
Next 20 minutes: The other person shares
Final 15-20 minutes: Collaborate, brainstorm, or explore next steps
“That way, everyone gets a fair shot.”

3. Use the G.A.I.N.S. Profile

Another structured approach is to work through the G.A.I.N.S. profile (Goals, Accomplishments, Interests, Networks, Skills). Go back and forth, with each person sharing one section at a time.

“Everybody’s getting a fair shot to share their experience and what they’re looking for.”

Make the Most of the Time You Invest

Time is precious, especially during a busy work week. If you’re setting aside an hour to connect with another BNI member, make sure both of you walk away feeling heard, respected, and energized.

“We want one-to-ones to be focused and have an outcome—not just one person thinking they’ve had a great time, and the other leaving disappointed.”

Final Thoughts

Kieran wrapped up with a reminder that the purpose of a 1-2-1 is to build meaningful, mutually beneficial relationships. It’s not about talking the most—it’s about listening, connecting, and understanding how you can help each other grow.

Next time you schedule a 1-2-1, take a moment to plan it out. Think about what you want to share, yes—but more importantly, be intentional about what you want to learn.

Because when both people leave feeling valued, that’s when the magic happens—and the referrals start flowing.

“Just a little bit of food for thought… Not aimed at anyone in particular. But we want these meetings to work for both people.”

Want to take your networking to the next level? Start by being the kind of 1-2-1 partner you’d want to meet with. Structured, attentive, and genuinely curious.

Thanks again to Kieran Toner for the wisdom—and the laughs.

Full Transcript

(00:00)

And all of a sudden, we’re 55, 56 minutes in, and Zoe’s like,

“Well that’s great, Kieran. Sorry, I’ve got to get to another meeting.”
Yeah, me too, Zoe!

“That was great—awesome one-to-one, thanks. I know what you’re looking for now, that’s amazing.”

Can everyone relate to that hypothetical scenario, where Zoe doesn’t say much?

(00:37)

Right—networking doesn’t always come naturally to everybody, so we do win an education slot each week to help us get better at that. And Darren and Zoe have very kindly, without knowing, teed me up for this week’s education slot quite nicely.

So, in order to get more referrals, we need to build relationships with each other. And the best way we promote that is through one-to-ones.

We’ve been having a bit of a push lately with Joe’s X and Ed slots on the game sheet to bring some focus to those one-to-ones so we leave with an outcome.

Would you all agree that if I’m going to give up an hour or so of my time to come and have a one-to-one with somebody—in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week, during the business day—I should be treating it as a business meeting?

(Group): Yes.

(01:02)

So if I’m treating it as a business meeting, is the person having the one-to-one treating it as a business meeting?

They should be—cool.

Anybody ever been in a meeting where they turned up and there was no real focus, no real agenda, it felt like a waste of time?

You maybe didn’t get a chance to speak and share your knowledge or expertise, and then you left, and it was just an hour passing the time?

Too many? Far too many, yeah? Maybe more so if you work in that corporate environment sometimes—but anyway, let’s not get into that.

(01:35)

Okay, so—it’s a business meeting. Should I focus on outcome?

Would you also agree that in BNI generally, and across in this room specifically, there are different levels of experience in business?

We’ve got some people who are new, some people who’ve been in business a long time. We’ve got smaller businesses, bigger businesses, people with different networking experience—yeah?
Some people are newer to it, some people have been doing this a very, very long time.

Would you say there are also different personalities in the room?

Some people are quieter, some people are louder.

Darren: [laughter]

(02:05)

Okay, so we’ve agreed there’s a whole lot of different personalities, business types, and experience in the room.

So I go and have a one-to-one with Zoe, for example. We’re both quite experienced business people and networkers especially.

And let’s assume I do all the other stuff right: I turn up on time, I’ve prepped for the meeting, I’ve confirmed it—blah blah blah.

We turn up for the meeting and Zoe starts off with:

“So Kieran, how’s things with you?”

And I dive into everything I’ve got going on: projects we’re working on, investors we’re working with, what we’re doing, all the headaches, the challenges we’re overcoming, what I’m looking for, what’s a great referral for me.
Zoe’s quiet. She asks a couple of questions, which spurs me on. I’m telling more and more and more…

(03:16)

And all of a sudden we’re 40-odd minutes into our hour-long one-to-one, and Zoe hasn’t said five words.

That’s probably… probably Zoe’s not the best example for that—that’s a wild thing.

Okay, so I realize this and I’m like:

“Sorry, Zoe, I’ve been going on—I haven’t given you a chance to speak. What is it you’re looking for?”

And Zoe maybe comes back:

“I’m looking to help businesses that have been in business for a couple of years, and I’m looking to sort of maybe systemize and scale a bit more.”

“Oh, I can totally relate to that, Zoe! When we’d been running a couple of years, I remember the challenges—the headaches—we were running around chasing our tail, didn’t know what we were doing, didn’t know where the money was, didn’t know what was going on…”

And I spend another six or seven minutes blabbering on about my experience in that situation, thinking:

“This is great—I’m showing Zoe I understand what she’s looking for!”

(04:11)

“Anything else I can help you with, Zoe? What else are you looking for?”
“Oh, I’d love to speak to bigger businesses that have got the challenge of national insurance increases coming up, and the minimum wage increases—I’d love to help them forecast and plan for the future.”

“Oh, I know—it’s awful, isn’t it? All these challenges! The government’s supposed to be promoting growth and they’re doing all this… I don’t know what they’re doing…”

Another six or seven minutes ranting about the political system.

Can everyone relate to this?

(04:36)

And all of a sudden we’re 55, 56 minutes in, and Zoe’s like:
“Well, that’s great, Kieran. Sorry, I’ve got to get to another meeting.”
“Yeah, me too, Zoe! That was great—awesome one-to-one. Thanks, I know what you’re looking for now, that’s amazing.”

Can everyone relate to that hypothetical scenario where Zoe doesn’t say much?

(05:13)

One of the big things in building rapport is getting other people talking. You ask open-ended questions, and get the other person talking about themselves.

It’s very easy for me to leave that meeting thinking:

“Isn’t Zoe lovely? She’s great. I was talking, I felt relaxed, I felt comfortable. I think we’ve had an amazing one-to-one.”

How do you think Zoe might be feeling?

Not very good.
Worn out? Maybe a bit neglected?
Neglected, bored, maybe—yeah.
Neglected, overlooked, unappreciated.

Sure—it’s been “The Kieran Show.”

(05:57)

So if Zoe’s feeling like that, she might’ve been sat there thinking:

“I’ve got a great instructor—I’ve got a couple of people that might be great referrals for him…”
But if she’s left the one-to-one feeling like that—would you pass them to me at that point in time?

Why not?

You take that experience, don’t you, of what that one was about, and then relate that to how you might meet that.

(06:35)

Okay—so the whole point of this Ed slot, and I’m going to wrap it up quickly now, is: yes, we want to have a focus on them, but there’s got to be a focus for both people in the one-to-one.

We’re allocating an hour or so’s time. It shouldn’t be an open-ended chat, wasting people’s time during the business day.

Both people have got to have a chance to speak and share what they’re looking for.

Anybody ever put a clock on a one-to-one?

One way you could do it is say:

“Look—how about you take the first 20 minutes, I’ll take 20 minutes after that, and then we’ve got 15 minutes or so at the end just to bounce ideas back and forth.”

That’s one way of making sure everybody gets a fair shot.

(07:03)

Or you go through the GAINS profile and you do one section at a time:

“What are your goals?” “What are your goals?” “What are your interests?” “What are your interests?”

And you work through, so everybody’s getting a fair shot to share their experiences.

Just a little bit of food for thought—not aimed at anything in particular.

But we want one-to-ones to be focused and have an outcome, and not just a one where somebody thinks they’ve had a great time—and the other person’s not too happy with their experience.

Thank you very much—that’s me for the day.